I was feeling a bit positive about myself. I hadn’t gotten on the scale for about a week because I refused to during my vacation. I stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised I was down 3lbs. When I see losses like that, I just think, “well, I’m managing to stop the slide!” I tell someone I love my “good news” and their response is:
Wow! Really? That’s great! Even after what you ate last night!
So not helpful and I immediately went on the defensive because I didn’t even hear the first part. Only the last. “Even after what you ate last night!” I didn’t eat that much, I said. I had a cocktail not a beer so no carbs. And. And. And. I hate that I react defensively. I hate that I need reassurance I’m doing ok and when I don’t get that reassurance like I think I should, I am defeated once again.
Why? Why do I care what others think? Why do I need external validation?
Of course, when I raise these rhetorical questions to friends or on social media (because isn’t that where you should go for external validation? – Yes, I know how stupid that is), I inevitably hear:
Don’t listen to them!
Don’t let them bother you like that!
Their opinion doesn’t matter. Only yours does!
Just ignore them.
Ahh, there’s that word again. Just. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, see my previous post. All of those responses are “positive” and affirmative and supportive yet the only one I care about is the one that cut me to the core – “Even after what you ate last night.”
Why is this? Maybe because there’s an element of truth in it. There is. I did eat something I “shouldn’t” have. I’m not going to say things like “but it’s a special occasion” or “but I’m allowed to go off course from time to time.” If I want to succeed. And I want to lose weight forever. I can NEVER go off course. Ever. That is the one true statement.
So how do I get to the point where I can freely make the choice not to eat and/or drink what I shouldn’t?
I’ve decided to seek professional therapy to explore these questions. I don’t want to become a cold bitch who doesn’t care what other say, but I want to learn to hear them in the vein in which they are intended and let the way they affect me roll off me like water on a duck’s back. This person who said that to me didn’t mean to hurt me. They never do. In therapy, I want to explore the following:
- Why do I let some comments and not others affect me so much?
- Why can’t I commit to the choices I need to make for my health and wellbeing?
- Why do I crave external validation?
- Why do I engage in self-sabotage?
I’ll keep working on it. Meanwhile, today’s goal is to simply shut my pie hold. Again.