How’s that for a sad, woe is me title? I’ve gone round and round (and round and round some more) about this but I find when I write, I find clarity. Thinking it – overthinking it – doesn’t help much. So here I go.
I gained it all back. Every bit.
I want to blame my latest failure on so many things – the pandemic, my mom dying, dealing with my dad going into assisted living, changing jobs and finding life isn’t much different in a different place. I don’t know. All of it. But, deep down, I know the blame is on me and if the blame is on me, then I’m clearly a failure. And it embarrasses me to no end. To the point, I genuinely want to turn down invitations to hang out with friends. I’m fully vaccinated. Most of my friends are fully vaccinated. We could go out to dinner or hang out or whatever. I’m supposed to go to a family baby shower this summer. I don’t want to go because I know what they’ll see and say. “Wow! She put on a ton of weight this last year and half!” And that kills me. To the core.
But, clearly, it’s not motivation to do something about it. It’s motivation to stay in bed. To hide. Maybe it’s why I like working remotely so much (I rarely turn on video and when I do I make sure it’s at a flattering angle). I’m so tired of all this. I’m so very tired. I hate that this is one thing in my life I cannot succeed at. I’m not asking for help. I don’t need your advice. I need to figure out how to get over this mental hurdle and try again. But I just don’t want to. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done because whatever “it” is, it’s permanent. There is no such thing as “maintenance.” There’s only whatever it is that works and doing it forever. And that’s not an understatement. I think that’s the problem. I absolutely abhor the phrase, “I can do hard things.” Because the thought of getting back on the deprivation horse and counting – whether it’s macros, pounds or calories – makes me want to go back to bed, pull the sheet over my head and just…. disappear. Because I can’t do hard things. This is too hard. And if I’m being truly honest with myself, I’m sick of being judged for my failure.
I think what kills me more than the fact that I can’t do this, is that so many people – from strangers to my husband and friends (who won’t admit it, but I know they’re thinking it) – think I just need to…. Fill in the blank. Just. My next least favorite phrase/word. If you try to give anyone advice for any issue they’re going through and you use the world “just” as in “You just need to ____” you are implying to them that (a) their problem is easily solved and (b) they lack the ability to solve it until you come along and tell them to “just do it.” Just. I hate that word. Please stop using it in this context. Nobody. Absolutely nobody needs to hear they “just” need to do something. Period.
I find that I gravitate to photos on social media of largish women and, morbidly, look at the comments. Try it sometime. The hate and vitriol is astounding. Comments from complete strangers (yes, I know, basement dwelling neanderthals) that range from, “Can’t she just shut her pie hole!” to “How does she live with herself?” to the ever popular “She just needs to kill herself.” Words matter folks. They really really do.
Here’s the deal. I know what I need to do. I know what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m smart. But doing it? That’s another story. I have zero motivation to do what I need to do because what I need to do is shut my pie hole. Simple as that. Right? Why can’t I just do that? It’s so easy. You do it! You know people who’ve done it and had amazing results (Frankly, if I see one more before/after pic I will puke – those are NOT motivation). I’m not passing judgement on anyone who has succeeded at weight loss and who love to share the before and afters. I probably will at some point as well (see? trying to be positive here). I’m as excited and happy as you are that you found the way that works for you, but as a motivational tool before/afters just remind me of how many times I’ve failed already.
It absolutely sucks being fat. I hate it. I agonize posting anything on social media that involves food and/or drink. But I enjoy photography and, frankly, I enjoy social media. But, I know what people are thinking. Some have even commented “Wow! What a great cheat day!” I’ll post a pic of Mexican food and I know half my friends – my real friends – are saying, “Oh wow. Should she really be eating that?” (Admit it. You know you think it!) No. I shouldn’t be eating that. That’s the problem. Gotta close that damn pie hole. Simple as that huh?
I can lose weight. I’ve done it many many many times. I’ve tried absolutely everything short of bariatric surgery (which I’m still contemplating). But whatever I try, I can’t sustain it for the long haul. Not even when my health and wellness is involved. It’s too damn hard and, as I’ve established, I can’t do hard things.
So, what’s next? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Eventually I will break out of this funk (or not) and find the motivation to try something new. Or I won’t. We shall see. I will continue to chronicle my progress or lack there of. Why not? It’s my outlet. Meanwhile. Let me go shut my pie hole.