One month ago yesterday, I walked across the stage with my Master’s degree. For months leading up to graduation, I was completely overwhelmed with work-work and school work and life in general (although the later was shoved to lowest priority). I met my milestones, celebrated like crazy and walked across that stage. Then post-grad school life hit. And it hit hard.
I had all these grand plans that I would rededicate myself to low-carb/Keto and figure out what I was going to do with that shiny new Masters degree. I sorta started both then petered out. Here I am a month out and I’m mostly doing a whole lot of nothing. Before you say, “That’s great! Rest! Take your time!” you have to realize how it’s affecting me. It’s affecting me by putting me in a serious funk – one so deep I don’t think I have ever experienced it before. You don’t need to tell me it’s too soon to expect anything to change or I’m not dedicated enough to a plan. I know all of that. That doesn’t mean saying nonsense like that helps at all. It doesn’t. I thought about not writing this post because I know the responses I will get and they drive me absolutely insane (despite how meaningful and supportive people think they are). I can probably write them myself. And the first person who types “this too shall pass” gets permanently blocked (and FYI, that is NEVER good advice. EVER. To ANYONE. It basically means, “Fuck you” – so just resist – better yet, remove it permanently from your repertoire). I decided to write it because this blog is primarily for me and about my journey. I have advice and ideas to share, but, for the most part, it’s my life. And right now, my life is dull and uninspiring.
For what it’s worth, grad school gave my life meaning – and, more importantly, hope. Now that it’s over, the meaning is gone and hope is pretty much gone as well. Reality has set in. Nothing has really changed. I have a few more skills (or, as Louise likes to say, tools in my toolbelt) that I will deploy, but that’s pretty much it. Whoopee!
I find myself sleeping a lot and not doing any of the things I love – despite scheduling them. I just bail out. So I’ve stopped scheduling them. I just sit at home and fart around on the internet or sleep. I sleep a lot. I know what you’re going to say – that’s depression! Yup. It is. So what?
My job is mindnumpingly boring but I make decent money and I don’t work a gazillion hours. My fear in finding a new job is making less money AND having to work a gazillion hours. Might as well stay here.
My hobbies don’t spark joy anymore. Not sure why. Probably this depression thing.
I can only hope I’ll figure out a way to get out of this funk and start enjoying life again, but, for now, I will eat too many nuts and dairy, have too much bulletproof coffee and not meal plan because I just don’t want to.